XMen: First Class In Character Commentary
by HeyThereGarbageCan
Summary: Crack fic. Charles, Erik, Alex, Sean, Raven, and Hank all watch their movie and give commentary. Mentioned Cherik and Havshee.
1. Part One

Charles Xavier: Okay, okay, guys. It's starting.

Sean Cassidy: Yeah. Marvel… Blah, blah, blah… shit, shit, shit…

Charles: Sean! Behave yourself! _Vocabulary!_

Sean: I can cuss in my head, you know.

Raven Darkholme: Would you guys please calm down? We're not even to the start yet!

Erik Lensherr: Here it is.

Charles: Ah. The holocaust. One of the most discriminatory, least-accepting stories of history.

Alex Summers: You guys are depressing, you know?

Hank McCoy: Psychologically speaking, it will take more than just a comment to trigger a depressive episode.

Erik: Everyone, shut up! I'm moving the gate! _I AM MAGNETO_.

Raven: Not yet!

Sean: ….. Aaaannnddd then they knock you down.

Erik: You're a whiny ginger bitch sometimes, Sean.

Sean: But you love me… right?

Erik: Yeah… sure… whatever.

Charles: Oh, my. You all can be so insensitive. Now, quiet! Here's my scene as a child…

Raven: And there's me! Well… I look like your mom… yeah.

Charles: Well, it was a witty disguise. I suppose.

Raven: Oh…. I was so flat-chested back then!

Alex: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR BLUE BOOBS.

Sean: …Harsh.

Erik: Shut the fuck up! Look, it's what inspired me to kill Shaw!

Hank: You sound proud.

Erik: I did kill him… A long time after.

Charles: And was it worth it?

Erik: This is why we got a divorce. You're so nagging!

Sean: SHHHH! Don't ruin it for the viewers.

Alex: I pity the dumbass who watches the commentary before actually watching the movie.

Hank: So vulgar!

Raven: _X-Men: First Class!_It's the title!

Hank: Yeah. It's a great movie.

Sean: No shit.

Charles: Sean!

Sean: You never get onto Alex for cussing!

Charles: I expect more out of you!

Erik: Heterochromia… the only kind of hetero Charles knows!

Raven: (in snobby voice) _Heterochromia… groovy mutation… Hi, my name's Amy and I'm going to fuck this weird dude who talks about deformations and shit…_And dude look at me changing my eye color. Just for attention. So pathetic. Gah. Mutant and proud!

[Everyone but Raven groans]

Charles: Why do I even bother?

Raven: Oh, look. We're back home. Awh. And my hair's red! Eww. Red hair is kinda gross, you know.

Sean: ….Um….

Alex: Well, you know, in _my_experience, what they say about gingers is true.

Sean: That we have no soul?

Alex: No. They they're the best in bed.

Sean: Stop it! You're making me blush.

Erik: I'm not so sure that's true…

Raven: Jerk!

Alex: How can you say that? You're a ginger yourself, Erik.

Charles: And on that note, I'll agree that a ginger is quite satisfying in bed.

Hank: … Am I the only virgin in here?

Erik: … Yup.

Raven: You could've lost it…. if Erik wasn't such a cockblock.

Erik: Hey! You're my side now!

Charles: Everyone, quit! Listen to my thesis.

[Everyone is silent for a moment, as if listening to Charles's thesis.]

Erik: Hey, look, it's me! AND SEAN'S MAKING A CAMEO RIGHT BEHIND ME!*

Sean: … Jerk.

Raven: Gingers gotta stick together on decisions of Erik's jerky-ness.

Erik: So I have to agree, too?

Hank: … I have blue hair. Please tell me that counts for something.

Alex: It counts for the fact that you're a beast!

Hank: … I'm going to eat you.

Erik: HEY, LOOK AT ME SPEAKING IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE. AND I'M ABOUT TO TAKE THIS DUDE'S TOOTH LIKE A FUCKING SHARK.

Charles: Language, Erik!

Erik: Who cares about what's socially acceptable? I mean, how can you expect society to accept you when you can't even accept yourself?

Sean: You're not supposed to say that yet!

Alex: Sean, you're being a dumbass.

Charles: Alex!

Hank: Calm down, guys.

Raven: Like that'll happen.

Charles: Did everyone get drunk before this or what?

Alex: …. Sean didn't.

[Sean laughs]

Sean: … You probably couldn't call me sober, though.

Charles: Oh, my God…

Charles: You have made it quite obvious that none of you know how to behave.

Erik: Quit your bitchin'.

Charles: Alright! Who got into the alcohol?

Sean: Hehehehehehehehehe…. Alcohol ain't all you need…

Alex: Fuck, Sean!

Sean: But we already did today.

[The sound of a slap can be heard.]

Hank: I-I don't think it's polite to make information about relations in the bedroom obvious.

Raven: What do you know?

Charles: Shut up! This is where we first see Moira.

Erik: You _know_ that was a fucking experiment.

Charles: Look at her… taking her clothes off… she needs to put some clothes on.

Alex: Perfectly heterosexual reaction.

Raven: You're one to talk…

Erik: So, Emma Frost… right here. Crystalizing up in this bitch.

Charles: Okay, okay… Erik. You're drunk.

Erik: Nope. Just a shark.

Alex: Moira's kinda a snoop.

Sean: Yeah. I'd be kinda creeped; I mean, couldn't Emma tell she was there?

Hank: Technically, when Emma's in her diamond form she can't telepathically communicate.

Sean: She could've beforehand.

Hank: I suppose it just wasn't thought about.

Erik: Be quiet; we have moved on! I'm in this bar in Argentina.

Raven: And you're about to kill people! You're kinda heartless.

Erik: That's cool; you were just an experiment, too.

Raven: Jerk.

Erik: Look at that picture of Shaw… hanging up. Pathetic.

Charles: So you kill everyone in there?

Erik: Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Alex: _Blood and Honor_, eh?

Erik: Blood, it is.

[Sean and Alex yell; Hank screams.]

Sean: That was scary as fuck!

Charles: Sean!

Alex: He's right.

Erik: I'm a badass… controlling that gun… that someone else is holding.

[Everyone but Erik and Charles scream.]

Raven: This is so violent!

Erik: … _I guess you could say I'm Frankenstein's monster… and I'm trying to find my creator._

Sean: You're pretty hardcore. Killing people. In a cool-ass way.

Charles: Is everyone drunk?

Alex: Haven't we gone over this?

Charles: You're all grounded.

[Hank, Alex, and Sean groan.]

Erik: I'm a badass shark. Shooting people.

Charles: There are _so_many more ways you could have handled that.

Erik: … Nag.


	2. Part Two

Charles: Okay, okay, guys… we need to get back on track. Let's talk about the movie again finally, okay?

Sean: You're just trying to keep us from harassing you about your sex life. How kinky does it get?

Charles: Look, I just jumped in the water after Erik!

Alex, Sean, Hank, Raven, and Erik in unison: Gay.

Charles: You're all grounded.

Raven: You can't ground me. Daddy has custody.

Alex: You fucked the guy you call Daddy?

Charles: Alex!

Sean: I'm too high for this shit.

Charles: If I catch you on marijuana again, I'm sending you to a behavioral hospital, Sean.

Hank: Thank God.

Alex: Shut up, blue pubes.

Raven: I bet Sean's pubes are red.

Alex: I wouldn't know. He shaves.

Charles: God. Hey, hey, let's watch this. Look, look, we're getting on with the Cerebro… we're about to recruit you guys.

Sean: Angel was kinda hot.

[Alex sighs]

Erik: Eh, she is also a loose whore.

Charles: Don't tell me you did—

Erik: I swear I didn't-

Sean: I did, though!

[Alex sighs, louder]

Charles: Isn't this supposed to be where I make her think you're a tranny?

Erik: What?

Charles: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Alex: I don't like her at all.

Sean: 'Course you don't. But I like you better anyway.

Hank: This is sickening.

[Alex begins to sound as if he might cry]

Charles: Oh, Darwin.

Erik: Have to admit, I liked him.

Alex (sniffling): He was great.

Sean: Oh, and you're gonna get mad at me for previously having a thing with someon- damn, you look good in muscles shirts, Alex!

Alex: Shut up, Cassidy!

Sean: I love you.

Hank: Hey, this is where Sean gets rejected.

Alex: That bitch was stupid.

Raven: It was a creepy flirting method. I mean, how'd you ask Alex out? "Crazy, isn't it? You're a heartbroken mutant; I'm a heartbroken mutant, too. Wanna have gay sex sometime and talk about it?"

[Everyone laughs]

Alex: Would it creepy of me to say that's exactly what happened?


End file.
